Saturday, February 19, 2011

Sad Time

For quite a number of days now, I have been gradually feeling more depressed, thinking of the approaching first anniversary of my daughters passing, which is today.  I layed awake last night thinking about her and this morning I realized that I was dwelling on thoughts of her struggle for years with cancer and of the helplessness and sadness I felt as I watched her slip away.  She was such a strong and brave person, where I on the other hand tend to run away or hide from hurtful things. 
I have to change my train of thought to the wonderful memories I have of her before cancer changed our lives.  There are so many and I'm hoping that will brighten my day.  I can actually hear her voice saying, "Come on!  Get over it already Mom!"  Her sense of humor was unending and that is only one of the things I will never forget.  And I will never get over it!



28 comments:

Faith said...

I wish that I could do something or say somthing which will remove that pain and heartache you bear. I think that you have a handle on it...think of the the times which made you happy, silly times..all the good times..it is there the healing may come, in time.

Blessings for you this day. Take a walk on that lovely beach and behold all that God has made and given us to enjoy. Where your heart is there is also your treasures...they can't be taken away ever...

Megan said...

Will be thinking of you and saying a prayer.
((((hugs))))

Simone @ Doberman's by the Sea said...

I think you daughter would have wanted you to remember the good times too and keep her memorie alive that way. Sorry to hear about her passing though. Sending hugs your way.

RottenMom said...

My heart is heavy for you. I hope you are able to have some comfort in the wonderful memories today.

Love you much.

Love of the Sea said...

What a difficult time for you. I can't even begin to imagine the loss. I am sure your daughter is with you in spirit. And will bring you comfort on this very sad day.

Don said...

I can only image the pain of losing a child. My heart aches for you. Keep the good memories and let go of the bad.

NanaDiana said...

I am so sorry, Tootie. I didn't know you then and wasn't a follower until late last year. I cannot imagine the heartache and pain you have been through. There is nothing worse than losing a child...and my heart aches for you. I work at a huge hospital and we have a separate cancer center...and it just breaks my heart to see young people (or anyone for that matter-but especially those who have not had a chance to live their life to it's fullness)..anyway...it just breaks my heart to see them suffer and try everything to no avail.

She will be waiting for you with open arms on another shore, Tootie...I fully believe that...and maybe that is the only consolation you will ever really have....

I do know that most patients want their families to look back and remember the happy times, the good times before they became their disease. God bless you! I am saying a prayer tonight for you for peace for your soul..and acceptance...and that you can find some joy again. xxoo Diana

George said...

I'm sorry about the loss of your daughter, and I think I have some understanding of how you feel. I lost my first wife to cancer, and, although she fought it bravely and in good humor, she was taken much too quickly. It was about a year before I got over my pain and could begin to remember the good times with her and smile about them. I hope the same soon happens for you.

Little Black Scrap Cat said...

A great big HUG for you!! I know it's not much, but I cannot find words.

gpc said...

My heart breaks for you, Tootie. As you open the floodgates to all the happy memories, I hope they will drown out some of the sorrow.

cometcat1 said...

So sorry for your loss. I hope soon you can remember more of the good times even though I know you never completely forget the hard times.sh We'll all be thinking of you.

Laura said...

Heartfelt thoughts for you today. Thank goodness love is endless and you have wonderful memories to carry with you to get you through those harder days.

Betty Ray said...

so sorry to hear of your loss. What a very difficult thing to go through I'm sure. I can't even imagine. hopefully you can step outside, soak up some sunshine that I'm sure she's sending down on you and take comfort in the fact that she is at peace now.

Hoping for cheerier days ahead. Hugs.

busybee2 said...

Hi Tootie: This gave me goosebumps - I was sitting here reading your blog and the nice comments everyone has left for you. I had the TV on, and this poem was being read at the exact same time. I am passing it along to you.

Remember Me
Remember me with smiles and laughter,
For that's the way I'll remember you all.
If you can only remember me with tears,
Then don't remember me at all.
~ Michael Landon

Hope this helps. Hugs to you. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us at such a personal time.

Deb said...

You have been on my mind all week, knowing that the 1 year anniversary was coming up. The loss of a loved one is always on the heart. Hopefully, the healing is beginning as you remember all the good memories that you have of her. It sounds like she was a wonderful daughter, sister, mother and friend. My heart is with you.

Mare said...

Tootie, I was so caught up in Mom's fight that I didn't know that your amazing, strong daughter had left this earth. My heart aches for you.

I have been praying for her ever since you posted about her battle. I can't even remember how long ago that was, but she (and you!) were always in my thoughts.

I will continue to hold you close to my heart in hopes that one day, the good memories will replace the sad ones. I know how hard that is, especially after living through the fight with those we love so much. (((hugs)))

Heaven's Walk - said...

Oh Tootie ~ my heart breaks for you, sweet friend. I wish I had known you a year ago so that I could'ave been there to support and encourage and pray for you and your lovely daughter. So....I will say a prayer for you tonight ~ and am sending a {big hug} to you, too. ♥

xoxo laurie

Simone @ Doberman's by the Sea said...

It's me again-I gave you a shout out today, stop on by !
http://dobermans-by-the-sea.blogspot.com/2011/02/giveaway-and-thank-you.html#axzz1EcSLgIwj

RosieJo said...

I have no words to ease your sorrow, but, please, for your daughter, remember the good times! Isn't that what you would have wanted for her if the circumstances had been reversed?

Shelllady said...

My thoughts and prayers go out to you tootie, just hold on tight to those happy times....she's up there preparing things for you, and she's always there with you I'm certain!!

becky said...

It's Tuesday and I've just stopped in...hope your days are brighter this week. Hope always rises, doesn't it?

Ivy Lane said...

ohhh..Tootie.... I am sorry for your loss... I think God made you write this post so that I could see it today...my Dad is suffering from his 3rd bout with cancer..this time it is not cureable.... after reading your beautiful post, I know I must think about all the wonderful memories and continue to make more as long as I have him.... ((( hugs )) to you ..... and to the wonderful memories you shared with your daughter.

Savvy said...

Find strength in those happy memories. Cling to them and cherish them and when you remember them, smile. I'm sending you happy thoughts (even if they are a few days late)!

Mara said...

Thinking about you. ((hugs))

Flotsam Friends said...

Oh Tootie, you are making me feel so sad too. I know no words will make you feel better but I do hope that knowing we are all thinking of you and your beautiful, strong daughter will help you through this really hard time. She'd be so proud of you too you know. Pruxxx

Dave said...

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter Tootie. I can only imagine how you must feel at times like this. - Dave

Colleen said...

Hi Tootie, Just stopping by to see how you are doing. Been thinking of you since you last posted. Remember, she is always with you, in your heart & soul. Many hugs & peace be with you.

Shellbelle said...

I can only offer you a virtual hug as I feel the pain that comes through on your post.

It's been almost ten years since I lost my mom and I still hear her voice and when times are difficult I still ask myself, "What would mom do?"

We do honor our lost ones when we focus on the good memories and not the suffering they went through. I hope that is how your day was. When it gets really hard for me, I get in the car and go to places mom and I shared good times at, I swear I just feel her with me and instead of it hurting, it just makes my heart sing.

Peace to your heart.